My Story
As America Ferrara in the Barbie movie said: “It is literally impossible to be a woman… we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
It is no wonder that more women suffer from mental illness than men. The enormous pressures put on us are overwhelming, and there is lack of support and resources out there. According to recent statistics, 24% of women are diagnosed with anxiety (as opposed to 14% of men), 24% of women are diagnosed with depression (as opposed to 11% in men) and 1 in 5 women experience postpartum depression or anxiety.
Most women are also known as the “primary parent,” or the default parent. Often times, we are the ones creating the kids schedules, doctors appointments, receiving calls from their schools, and taking care of household tasks. This recently happened to me- my son’s teacher emailed only me to correspond regarding an update on his behavior. I proceeded to respond and ask for my husband to be copied on every correspondence related to my son moving forward. I shouldn’t have had to say anything- yet it happened to me and so many of my friends.
In her book Fair Play, Eve Rodsky discusses this topic at length and shares a resource that can benefit so many of us. Rodsky and her husband wrote out cards with all the domestic household tasks: folding the laundry, paying the bills, scheduling appointments, stocking the fridge, changing the car oil, dry cleaning, and so on. At the beginning of each week, the couple decides who receives each task based on their work schedule and capability and does not have to be 50/50. This method allows the couple to delegate tasks based on their availability and weekly schedule, leading to a “fairer” division of labor.
With the pressures of being a woman, it is important to be mindful of implementing self-care. We are constantly taking care of others, but what about ourselves? My therapist told me “you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” This statement has stayed with me for the last few years in which I have been focusing on self-care. When I refer to self-care, I am talking about setting boundaries, saying no to things you do not want to do, putting yourself first, asking for help and knowing when you need a break. All of these aspects are essential in our mental health and can help relieve some of the pressure of doing it all. With our never-ending to-do lists, it can feel daunting at times to accomplish all of it in one day. One technique I share with my clients is to separate their to-do lists into “can do’s” and “must do’s.” Can do’s are things that can be done, but can also be put off for a few days. Must do’s are things that absolutely must be done today. This strategy helps prioritize what really needs to be completed and the list feels less overwhelming.
Emotions are normal. It is okay to feel sad or anxious at times. It is part of the human experience. It is important to discuss the difference in feeling sad and having clinical depression. If your sadness feels suffocating, debilitating or too much to handle- seek out help. Once your emotions are impacting your daily functioning, it is essential to seek support in a mental health professional.
Let’s conclude by talking about some resources and coping tools to utilize throughout our busy lives.
Ask for help: be direct in your needs and ask those around you for help
Mindfulness: practice being in the present moment through breathing and meditation techniques
Seek out support from a friend or family member: be vulnerable and share how you are REALLY feeling
Practice positive daily affirmations right when you get up in the morning
Keep a daily gratitude journal: write down 3 things you are grateful for in your life
Practice self-compassion: talk to yourself as though you were talking to your friend
And remember: WOMEN ARE WARRIORS!